A Little Down Tonight...

So the kids had a good friend over tonight. Which is great, because all the kids get along with him and he's (of course) a little angel when he's at my house. He's 8 months younger than Gabe, but acts about as old as James. Way more mature than his age, mostly because he's the oldest of his mom's kids.

He and Gabe have pretty much been raised together, and I've babysat him and had him for weekends ever since he was a baby. Which, at this point, is really very bittersweet for me. He's not autistic, and Gabe is. Gabe still likes looking at books with lots of pictures, and he's reading chapter books. Gabe still wakes 2-3 times a night, and he's slept through since about 6mos old.
It's hard having him here. I enjoy it because he's a great kid and gets along with all the kids, but it hurts to see how different they are at basically the same age. He's everything I've always wanted for Gabe. He's articulate, affectionate, plays appropriately with toys and peers. He's working above grade level and can read. he does chores, he wants age appropriate things. All things that Gabe hasn't yet done, and may not ever do.

The worst part tonight was when it was bedtime. Gabe still sleeps on the couch a lot of nights. He has a real problem with sleeping upstairs alone in his bed. So he was trying to be brave enough to sleep upstairs, and wanted his little friend to sleep on the futon upstairs with him. But, his little friend had other ideas. He wanted to sleep on the other side of the loft, with James in his big queen sized bed. Poor Gabe just didn't understand that A didn't want him hanging all over him and being up and down all night. So his feelings were hurt, and he sat and cried for almost an hour on and off, saying A's name over and over. A explained that he still likes Gabe, and still wants to play and all, but that he just didn't want to sleep with him on the futon.

It didn't help, and as I'm typing this, Gabe is finally asleep. He sat and sniffed for a while, and every once in a while, he'd say A's name. He feels horrible, and so do I. He just doesn't understand the concept of personal space. And I work on that with him every day. It takes a looooong time for concepts like that to sink in and make sense for him. Gabe is still so much like a toddler. He goes by the same general rules they do, thinks the same way. He gets his feelings hurt so often by little things that kids his age understand and would get past quickly. Something as small as a misplaced toy can cause hours of whining and crying and sad looks. He seems to have no concept of whats truly fair to everyone. When it comes to games and toys it's all mine mine mine. He's been getting better at taking turns and trying to share. Really he's at about a 4yo level in some areas, but about 2-3yo level in others. It also depends on the day, he has his good days and bad.

I guess I'm just down because I see so many things that Gabe may never do. He has so much potential. He's learned a lot, and has so far to go. I mourn for the things that he may never do, and rejoice for the little things that he accomplishes. I guess I need to find more things to rejoice about.

Frustrated

As some of you may know, we've been Home-schooling the kids since December. It's gone pretty well for the most part. We have more time to devote to the areas that each one needs extra help with. Mostly anyway. James has struggled with his reading since Kindergarten. It's gotten a LOT better, but in all reality he really reads at about a 3rd grade level. When he was in public school they had him held back (they say no learning disabilities), and if he were still in public, they would have him going into 4th grade this year instead of 6th like he should be going into. I'm looking for ideas to encourage him to want to read more.
Caitlin is about 2nd-3rd grade as well, she's had some issues as well with reading, but with her it seems to be more of the not wanting to sound it out in case she's wrong variety. I'd love to hear from any of you on ideas for motivating her to want to learn to read better as well.

My big problems right now are Caleb and Gabe. Caleb is currently doing 3rd grade work (as well as Caitlin), except in reading. In reading he's at about a late kinder level. He's learning, but very slowly. Math isn't a problem, he's great at it as long as it's not story problems lol. What I've been doing with them is if they need help reading something, as long as they're willing to try and read it and make the effort to sound it out etc, I will help them figure it out (book reading wise, for workbooks I read the directions and then help individually with issues as they arise).
Caleb doesn't seem to have any "drive" to want to learn things on his own, unless it's about snakes or scorpions. I've tried to make things about his preferred subjects, but there are only so many things that you can do.
Gabe is the hardest, and the reason that we break our school day into 30 minute (or less some days) increments. He HATES school of any kind with a passion. It gets better sometimes, but that's usually very very rare. He knows the alphabet, although he still reverses letters (usually p, q, r, m, w), can count to 10 with help most days (has even counted to 15 on occasion). But he has no excitement to learn, he doesn't want to be made to do things that seem to have no meaning for him.
He's working on pre-k to kinder level work, and has made alot (for him) of progress since December. But I'm really worried that maybe I can't do a good enough job with him. I worry that he'll never learn to read, never potty train all the way, never talk clearly enough. You name it I worry about it.
It's gotten to the point where I really wonder if it was so bad sending him to school everyday. The screaming and biting and tantrums and throwing things and all that. He got to the point for the longest time where we had to spell out the word school or he'd totally flip out and cry/scream/hit. He's getting to the point now where we can go past a school without him getting anxious, but it's taken since I pulled him in December. That's a LONG time to be worried. I don't want him to be like that again, but I also don't want to fail him as a parent or as a teacher. He's so hard to teach, and some days I wonder if I can reach him with as far away as he seems.
I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that it does get easier, that he will learn.

This Thing We Call Recession...

As I was checking the blogs that I read daily, I came across a post that really struck home. It was a post about the recession and all the people that are affected. Usually I skip over posts like that, because I've been there first hand many times and don't really need to be reminded of how the economy is.
I've been a stat-at-home mom for most of the time that I've had kids. We agreed early on that if I wanted to work, I could, and if I didn't that was ok too. I've had a handful of jobs. I worked as a nurses aide when James was little. I worked as a temp, and then at McDonald's when Gabe was 2-4yrs on and off. We bought a house in 2002 when Gabe was about 1 1/2. The following summer, Mike quit his job of 9yrs for a better paying one. That lasted almost 2 months, just a few days shy of his probationary period being up, they canned him. Thankfully he qualified for unemployment.
It was a bad time for us, Caleb had just been diagnosed with autism the spring/summer before. We had just bought a house. If it hadn't been for the twins qualifying for SSI for their disabilities, we'd have gone under then for sure. He lost his job Aug 20, 2003. He didn't work again until Feb 12, 2006. 18 months. November of 2003 I started working full time at McD's to try and help us make bills. The kids' SSI wasn't enough to cover even most of the bills. It covered the mortgage, and sometimes the utilities and some of the groceries. It didn't cover gas, phone, clothes, or any of the other bills that were in collection. Unemployment was only bringing in about $180 a week. After gas and whatever little groceries, diapers, and odds and ends, there wasn't much of anything left. McD's was a paycheck of $200 every 2 weeks. It was a crappy job, but it was better than having nothing.
The day that he found out for sure that he would be working at Tyson, and when he would start, I QUIT! There was no way that we'd be able to cover day care for 3 special needs kids plus James for 3rd shift (both of us were going to be working 3rd), much less cover gas and everything we'd need for 2 jobs. Plus, his pay would be double mine, WEEKLY! The only really big problem now was that we had gotten so far behind on payments on all the bills that we had to catch up on them. We'd had to rob one bill to pay another quite a few times, trying to make sure that the mortgage was always paid first, and trying to make sure that it was paid in full. Juggling payments so that we didn't get the electric shut off, or the phone, or lose the van. We missed 1 payment on the mortgage, because of the van breaking down. So when we paid the next month, we included 1/2 the past due with it. And the next month, and the next. It became a vicious cycle, not being able to pay in full each month. And then the recession hit, which made it worse. The mortgage company wanted all the payment and all the late fees, NOW, instead of letting us work things out. In retrospect, it was a blessing in disguise. We really couldn't afford the house, nor did we have the money to fix it. The city was nailing us left and right for fines for not painting, needing a new roof, taxes not caught up, garage needing to be fixed. So we tried to give back (quit claim deed) the house. But they wouldn't let us. So we told them that we were moving out, come take the house (Oct-Nov of 2007), they waited till Jan of 2008 to file for foreclosure. It was final in May 2008. Our finances aren't a whole lot better, but they are getting there. The big thing that sucks is, even if they get better we still won't be able to get a house loan for at least 3 yrs from the final date of foreclosure.
I know this was pretty long winded, but all that aside, I want to tell anyone reading that it does get better. You will make it, just like we did. It may get tight, and you may have to go without some things, but it can be done. Make it an adventure, learn new things to do that don't cost money. Do local things and things that give back to the community. Most of all, be happy and content with who and what you have.
To read the post that got me thinking, go to http://badladies.blogspot.com/2009/05/no-money-changes-everything.html
I'm sure Catherine will be happy to hear from you!

Differences

As I watch Adrian grow, it's bittersweet for me. He's already doing so many things that Gabe never did at that age. He's social, happy and verbal. Gabe never was at that age. He would cry, scream and cling to me. His version of verbal was whining and grunting, and the occasional half word. He was a late sitter, a late crawler, and a late walker. He didn't talk for the longest time, and when he did start, he was terribly hard to understand. Even now, he is understandable mainly to people who know him. Don't get me wrong, he's come a long way and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I guess I'm just wondering what I missed out on with having a "normal" child.
I know that "normal" is relative. James is "normal" for the most part, but has difficulty with reading and with controlling his temper, which we believe may be related to lead poisoning when he was little. Caleb has autism like Gabe, and ADHD. Caitlin has motor and speech delays and is very small for her age. She also has delays in bone growth. Normal is one thing we strive for in the world, what all kids want to be. My kids will probably never be the picture of normal. But we are trying to teach them that normal is a subjective thing, and that it doesn't matter if they aren't exactly the same as every other kid they ever meet.
That doesn't mean it's any easier when they ask why Gabe has so many problems, and why he isn't anything like them. James understands better than the rest, that Gabe may never leave home. We hope he will be able to, but we are prepared for the eventuality that he might not ever live on his own. I don't mind, and I've explained to James that Gabe's brain doesn't work the same as his. He accepts it, and every once in a while, we talk about it and I ask if he has any questions. He knows it's not fair, and he knows that Gabe is starting to understand that people don't always want to play with him, that some are making fun of him. James has tried to shield him from some of it, but sometimes it's hard. Especially when the kids are making fun of him for trying to protect Gabe.

I try sorting things out in my head, but that just depresses me more. When I write here, I can erase and re-write as many times as I need to, to make it make more sense. I can vent here, without hurting people's feelings, and I can get my feelings out without having to yell or scream or throw things. I can take a break from the "real" world and just relax.
I don't even know how I get to where I'm going when I'm writing. I just let the words fly off my fingers and onto the screen. Usually not reading or proofing till I'm done. Then I go thru and spell check and make things make more sense if I can, or just leaving it if I can't.
Somehow this post went from being about the difference in development between Gabe and Adrian, to being about how I write and how things make me feel. Reading this makes me realize just why Mike thinks I have ADHD. Enough for now, need sleep I think, to make sense of things in the morning.