9 Years Ago Today...

My youngest son was born. Gabriel was born at 8:20 am, weighing 7lbs 5oz and 18 1/2 inches long. It was a cold day with snow still on the ground, not like today, where it's 50 ish and rainy.
I really can't believe it's been that long, where does the time go? Today he's 9 years old.

This morning he woke me with "Who got me things for my birthday?" Made me laugh, because most everyone is in the same boat as us, no one can really afford much. He got some hot wheels and a new book(which he's looking at in this pic!), and my sis said she was going to send a card. He'll get a small cake, and pretty much that's it. We don't do a whole lot for birthdays, mostly because we're broke a lot of the time. But he will get a few more things towards the end of the month.

Our plants are doing well, except that some mice apparently got into our little tray and ate a few of our tomato plants.

Wow Have We Been Busy!

Wow hard to believe how fast the last couple of weeks has flown! Took Mike a while to get the car fixed as he broke a couple of bolts and also messed up the wheel bearing. So he had my van for a few days and we got to catch up on things at home, and I even took the kids for a couple of rides on the city bus. We've tamed the laundry monster, and even washed the blankets and quilts already that we've had stored away waiting for winter.
Last night our low was 27 degrees, and we have a freeze warning and a frost warning that started yesterday and goes through Monday. We even had it trying to snow today! Just little flakes that didn't stay long on the ground, but enough to tell us that winter is on it's way.
Today Caitlin and I went to the farmer's market, and we spent about an hour just wandering around and picking up veggies for the rest of this week. We picked up cabbages, squash, sweet corn, cherry tomatoes, bell peppers and from the Mennonite stand we picked up strawberry cream cheese bread and spicy apple cinnamon bread. From the last stand we went to we picked up big apples that we're going to use tonight for baked apples for dessert, and small apples for the kids to snack on.
Along with the baked apples, we are having turkey tenderloin with bell peppers done in the crock pot, and baked cabbage and corn. The house smells sooooo good right now. I've been baking more the last few weeks, making up banana bread, blueberry bread and corn bread, as well as making biscuits. It helps warm up the house and also gives the kids a great treat for lunch or dinner. They've been helping me with the baking and cooking, and we count the reading that we do as part of our school day.
Nothing tastes better than something you've helped make! Tomorrow I plan to make up another big pan of corn bread, and maybe do up a pork roast if we don't go to the in-laws for dinner.
School has been going well, and Gabe has been "reading" on his own, mostly picture books and Disney books. His favorites so far are The Lion King and Pinocchio. He's had dad and I both read them to him over and over. He's also showing an interest in doing journal time with the other kids, with his favorite thing to draw being faces. He draws like a preschooler, with people being big circles of mostly head, with lines for the arms and legs coming right out of the head. It's great to see him being so interested in the books, as before he would have thrown a fit if I'd suggested that he pick up a book (much less read it!).
He's also started doing some simple chores around the house without much of a fight. He puts socks in the basket, calls the other kids for me, and takes dishes to the sink. He also has been eating better as of late, and sleeping a little better. Weird how all of a sudden things are going so well, but I'm not complaining!
That's all for now I guess, can't wait to see how dinner and dessert turn out!

Frustrated

As some of you may know, we've been Home-schooling the kids since December. It's gone pretty well for the most part. We have more time to devote to the areas that each one needs extra help with. Mostly anyway. James has struggled with his reading since Kindergarten. It's gotten a LOT better, but in all reality he really reads at about a 3rd grade level. When he was in public school they had him held back (they say no learning disabilities), and if he were still in public, they would have him going into 4th grade this year instead of 6th like he should be going into. I'm looking for ideas to encourage him to want to read more.
Caitlin is about 2nd-3rd grade as well, she's had some issues as well with reading, but with her it seems to be more of the not wanting to sound it out in case she's wrong variety. I'd love to hear from any of you on ideas for motivating her to want to learn to read better as well.

My big problems right now are Caleb and Gabe. Caleb is currently doing 3rd grade work (as well as Caitlin), except in reading. In reading he's at about a late kinder level. He's learning, but very slowly. Math isn't a problem, he's great at it as long as it's not story problems lol. What I've been doing with them is if they need help reading something, as long as they're willing to try and read it and make the effort to sound it out etc, I will help them figure it out (book reading wise, for workbooks I read the directions and then help individually with issues as they arise).
Caleb doesn't seem to have any "drive" to want to learn things on his own, unless it's about snakes or scorpions. I've tried to make things about his preferred subjects, but there are only so many things that you can do.
Gabe is the hardest, and the reason that we break our school day into 30 minute (or less some days) increments. He HATES school of any kind with a passion. It gets better sometimes, but that's usually very very rare. He knows the alphabet, although he still reverses letters (usually p, q, r, m, w), can count to 10 with help most days (has even counted to 15 on occasion). But he has no excitement to learn, he doesn't want to be made to do things that seem to have no meaning for him.
He's working on pre-k to kinder level work, and has made alot (for him) of progress since December. But I'm really worried that maybe I can't do a good enough job with him. I worry that he'll never learn to read, never potty train all the way, never talk clearly enough. You name it I worry about it.
It's gotten to the point where I really wonder if it was so bad sending him to school everyday. The screaming and biting and tantrums and throwing things and all that. He got to the point for the longest time where we had to spell out the word school or he'd totally flip out and cry/scream/hit. He's getting to the point now where we can go past a school without him getting anxious, but it's taken since I pulled him in December. That's a LONG time to be worried. I don't want him to be like that again, but I also don't want to fail him as a parent or as a teacher. He's so hard to teach, and some days I wonder if I can reach him with as far away as he seems.
I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that it does get easier, that he will learn.

Thinking About School

Been trying to write this post for a while, and keep getting stumped as to how to word it. Colossal writers block. I've been trying to figure our schedule and curriculum for this coming school year. I know, kind of late in the game for some and early for others. I had planned to start our school year on September 1st, just like the public schools here. But I don't know if I want to start at the same time or start a week or 2 later.
I already figured that we are going to do a 4 day school week, with Fridays off. And am tentatively thinking that we are either going to do 3 weeks on and 1 week off, or do 5 weeks on and 1 week off. That way we have time planned to do field trips, and visits with grandparents and all that jazz.
James is really thinking about Unit studies, which I think is a great idea, but I want to make sure that he's getting work in all academic areas. I'm also thinking of doing the same with Caleb and Caitlin. So I figure that we'll use our free Friday's to pick what the next weeks topic will be, and go from there. I'm also picking up workbooks - thick ones lol - that have a variety of lessons that will help them with grade level appropriate skills.
Gabe is the hard one, he is progressing at his own pace, but it still in the "fight with mom about doing school" phase. I've got some great learning cd-roms for him, and a Hooked on Phonics program, as well as a ton of games for his V-Smile, including numbers and letters and such. He's just recently (in the last week) finally shown an interest in any of the games and has even started playing a few of them. His fav's so far are Thomas and Scooby Doo, and the Scooby one is the one he is the best at.
My biggest fear is that with as slow as he is progressing he'll have a hard time learning to read and write clearly, since James learned to read late and had a really hard time with it. James reads fairly well now, so I know once we get past the hard part things will go smoother, it's just getting him to the point that he can recognize that letters make words, and words make sentences that's hard. He knows the letters, can even tell me the sounds most days, but doesn't seem to make the connection that c-a-t is cat. It took quite some time for the twins too, and both of them are still having little problems here and there sounding things out. Caitlin is reading at level, but Caleb isn't, he is more at a late kinder early 1st grade level, and has been there for over a year. That was also a deciding factor in bringing them home. He simply wasn't getting the help he needed at school, or the one on one attention to help him progress. The just read it to him and said what do you think is the answer. If he got it incorrect, they told him the answer. That doesn't teach him anything, it's really just the same as doing it for him.
With him and Gabe being at a lower level than the other 2, I'm working with both of them together on Reading skills, and phonics. Caleb can read some easy books, but gets frustrated easily. He can't spell easy, but he can spell b-e-c-a-u-s-e! I have to laugh because when he spells it out loud he sings it. "B-e-c-a-u-s-e spells because!"
James is reading chapter books, and so can Caitlin, IF it's something she WANTS to read, otherwise she pulls the "but I don't know how to sound that out!" or the always wonderful constant asking of "what's that word" over and over.
All in all, I know some of our goals for this year:

Gabe
1) Gabe will learn to consistently make all the sounds of the letters.
2) Gabe will learn to consistently write all letters. (at this point I dont care if lower case or not)
3) Gabe will consistently copy and say all letters to 20 (he repeats up to 20, sometimes even higher depending on motivation, but has only written to 10)
4) Gabe will learn to put letters together into words. (ideally, i'd like him to learn at least 1 word a week, but i don't know if that's pushing to hard or not yet)
5) Gabe will learn to do simple chores (without having constant hand-over-hand to make him)

Caleb
1) Caleb will learn 5 new words per week (and still be able to spell previously learned ones)
2) Caleb will write on the lines with correct spacing so it can be read
3) Caleb will control his body ( a BIG one, he has no concept of personal space!)
4) Caleb will rotate chores and learn to properly do them
5)Caleb will raise his reading and comprehension level by practicing reading at least 20 minutes each day.

Caitlin
1) Caitlin will learn at least 5 new words per week (see above)
2) Caitlin will write on the lines with correct spacing so it can be read
3) Caitlin will sit quietly when doing schoolwork (constant chatter, kind of like Caleb's lack of concept of personal space)
4) Caitlin will rotate chores without complaint and learn to do them properly
5) Caitlin will raise her reading and comprehension levels by practicing reading at least 20 minutes each day.

James
1) James will learn to write paragraphs with correct punctuation and grammar.
2) James will work on his handwriting skills and improve them.
3) James will stay on task and complete things in a timely manner.
4) James will rotate chores without complaint and learn to do them properly.
5) James will raise his reading and comprehension levels by reading at least 20 minutes each day.

Pretty simple? Yes, but it lets me know what is the most important thing to be working on at a particular time. Goals change, quite often in fact, but this it what we are starting on. I think about what we are having problems with both academically and family wise (see #4 lol) and go from there.
Right now we are having a lot of issues with calling names, shirking chores and not doing things correctly the first time they are asked. In my opinion, learning to do chores is just as important as learning to read. Who will hire someone that will not do what they need to get done? No one! A big rule around here is if you chose not to do things at home, why should I believe that you will so the same thing elsewhere. I.E. if you can't behave at home, why should I think that you will behave in public. Or if you can't manage your assigned chores, why should you be allowed to mow lawns for money, or help clean at someone else's house for money.

I'd love to hear input on what people think of our plan for school and our goals.

The Weekend Hasn't Been Too Bad

The weekend wasn't too bad. Friday ended well, with their SSI stimulus payments coming, so I was able to go get the part for the dryer. Mike got the dryer put together and working again. We also did some shopping at Walmart. Saturday we did the rest of the grocery shopping, went to Adrian's birthday party (2yrs old!), picked up a new lawn mower since the old one broke, and I took all the heavy winter blankets and quilts to the laundromat to get them done quicker.
In 2 hours I did 4 trash bags full of blankets and quilts (enough to fill 5 of the "50 lb" washers) and dried and folded them.
Pretty much same old same old. Gabe's been unusually whiny/pouty/clingy the last few days. It seems like he's getting his feelings hurt really easily, like something major is bugging him. Just can't put my finger on it. Tonight he was crying because, "dad told me sit down!", which normally he just laughs at and ignores. It seems like this time of year is a bad time for him in general. Spring and Fall, kind of like with Bi-Polar flare ups. At first I thought that the whole fall thing was because of school and his total aversion to it, but if that's the case, then it shouldn't bother him to the same extent because of being home.
I'm trying to figure a way of helping him to sleep easier (and me!), we've done benadryl for years, and really it seems that he builds up a resistance to it. It used to be that we only did it on school nights, and didn't on weekends or during breaks. But even then, by summer break, it wouldn't seem to be working at all. Now we only do it if he's had a particularly horrible nights sleep the night before and has had a really bad day on top of it.
Last night we tried melatonin on him. That was fun, NOT! I tried to crush it and put it in his juice, but he saw it and wouldn't drink the juice. So I reverted to sticking it waaaaay far back in his mouth so he HAD to swallow it. He was out in about a 1/2 hr, but I'm not sure if it was the melatonin or the fight he put up against sleep finally being lost. I put him back in the chair when he came in our room (3x last night, usually only 1-2x), but finally gave up when he came back about 4am and just let him sleep in our room. Then he slept in till 1030 this morning! Poor thing must have been really tired to sleep that late.
He's currently sitting/laying in the recliner 1/2 out (10pm here!), as I am typing this and sitting here while the boys settle in and get to bed. He's been all out of sorts today and I'm wondering if it's related to the melatonin from last night. Another thing to look up tonight.
Thats all for now, need to play musical chairs and check on the other kids.

Long Week...

I just don't know some days how to keep going. Things haven't been the best in the last few months, but then again, compared to last year they are not near as bad as they were. How do those of you with more than one ASD kids do it? Caleb was dx'd PDD-NOS at 2y9m, and ADHD at 5y7m. Gabe was 5y7m when he was dx'd PDD-NOS, and 6y1m when dx'd Mild MR and a host of other things. Some days are so bad meltdown wise that I wish I didn't even get out of bed. Caleb is a screamer, and since starting school has learned some colorful vocab that he likes to share with anyone that ticks him off. Gabe repeats everything and I do mean EVERY thing that he hears others say. Both are hitters, punchers, hair-pullers. Caleb used to be a headbanger, and Gabe still is when upset.

It's hard enough with one kid doing this all the time, but when they both get going, I may as well pull my own hair out and go bang my own head against a wall. I've run the gamut of responses from other people, the whole "he just needs a good a** warming" being at the top of most peoples lists as to how to fix the problems.

The biggest thing we fight about right now is Gabe and his not sleeping. He is up most nights till 1130 or later, and always -- no matter what time he goes to sleep -- is awake and climbing into our bed by 3-4 am. I've done everything I know to get him into his own bed, to no avail. He starts out the night in his bed (I sit with the boys till they fall asleep or else no one gets to sleep), usually wakes up about midnight or so, and comes down and sits with me while I check email, falls asleep in the recliner. Then wakes again about 3 am, and comes in by us. Hubby leaves for work about 430 am or so, and Gabe sleeps thru till about 830-9 am (thank god for homeschooling, because in public school he had to be up by 6 to get there in time which really wasnt a good thing for him if he had a bad night!). If he has to get woken up earlier than that he is VERY grouchy and not happy for the rest of the day. He has always slept like that though, and naps when he was a baby were horrible. 20-30 minute naps and he woke whenever put down.

Caleb is not the best sleeper either, but he is waaaaayyyyy farther than Gabe, he has a hard time falling asleep, but once asleep he is down for the count till at least 6-7am(assuming that he's asleep by 1030 or so). As I'm typing this, Caleb is settling in bed, the other kids (besides Gabe) are sleeping, and Gabe is crying because he doesn't want to sleep in his bed. I know that part of the problem is that Gabe isn't functioning at *age* level, and doesn't understand some of the things expected of him. But that doesn't make it any easier.

I keep wondering what his future will hold and if I'll be able to handle either one of them when they get older. Gabe is the same size as Caleb even though they are 2 yrs apart, and when angry (or scared) is very strong. He's already started being aggressive (with the other kids and sometimes me) when he feels threatened. It just scares me to think of what might happen when he's older.
He's never been close to his dad, even when I was working and dad was stay at home. Neither was Caleb. But now, he always says for me to make dad go to work, and asks why dad doesn't like him or hurts his feelings or whatever the flavor of the day is. I keep telling him that dad does like him, but he's tired after a long day of work and doesn't want to be yelled at (Gabe has a naturally LOUD voice, almost yelling alllllll the time). He has been telling dad "you dont make the rules, mom does" and "you go away" and of course the all time favorite "you hate me". When he was in public school, he learned the phrase "go to jail", so he also likes to tell dad "you're mean, go to jail" and "I'll call the cops on you". I've corrected him that yes dad does make rules, no dad doesn't hate you, it's not nice to say, etc. But nothing seems to change what he says/thinks about dad. Dad doesn't go out of his way to push his authority on Gabe (at least not as of late), he leaves that to me.

I just don't know sometimes though, he's done so much better since he's been out of public school, but I'm not sure that the trade off is worth it at this point. I'm glad that he's happier at home, and that he's learning so much better here than he was there, but sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in bringing him home.

Homeschooling is going well, we are getting better with letters and numbers. Now just figuring out how to teach him to read! That's a challenge, because while we are finally past the rejection of all things school related (due to some major issues with things at the public school). he is still very resistant to actively learning anything.

I think the thing that burned my a** the most about his school placement was that they told me flat out that it wasn't about catching him up to grade level, it was about putting him with kids his age.
Some days I wonder what it would be like to have kids without all the issues, and be able to go out and enjoy myself without calling every 1/2 hr while gone to make sure that everyone is ok and not killing each other. At this point, IF I could find a good decent placement for Gabe, I think I might just jump at it. Even though it would be hard for both of us to adjust, and he would probably hate me for it for a while. It hurts to say it but sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it to keep working so hard and pushing to get him to learn. I hate listening to him cry and say that he hates school, but I also hate having to force him to sit and do work with me. At least at school, THEY have to do that, it's not me having to go over and over and over the same things day after day and wonder what's going to stick.

Anyone else feeling this way? I want him to learn, but does it HAVE to be a constant battle?

This Week So Far...

Things have been steady around here for the last couple days. Still tackling laundry, doing school, and keeping (or trying to!) the house straight. This will be the first set of birthdays that my baby sis has missed since the kids were born. Weird that I just now thought of that today.
One good thing today, Mike finally got his unemployment check for last month when he was off for that week. It came just in time, we are down to our last couple of rolls of TP, lol. Hoping that the Soc Sec Stimulus payments come soon, that way we can do something for the kids' birthdays and not have to wait till the end of the month.
In the last 2 days, I've washed 9 loads of laundry, and hung 7, still have 1 going in the washer, and 1 in the dryer waiting to get hung.

I just started following a new blog - http://www.kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/
and got some bad news when I checked it today. Little Kayleigh has earned her angel wings after a courageous fight for her short life. She would have been a year old next month. So sad, please visit her site and let her family know that we are remembering her.
Not much else to post, just life as usual around here. Oh, except for one thing, Gabe had his 6mo checkup at the dentist. 2 loose teeth, 1 loose cap/tooth, and NO More Spacer!! No cavities either!

Crap Just Keeps Hitting The Fan...

Things have to get better instead of worse right? I sure hope so, because this last week almost killed me. Mike got up late last Saturday (he was supposed to work), and called in. Apparently he called in 3 whole minutes AFTER he was supposed to be there. Which sucks, because it put him over on points for work. Which means that he was effectively fired on Thursday, when the paper work caught up. It also means no holiday pay for Good Friday. And we won't find out until later this week if the other manager was able to get him back in to work.
Then, on this Saturday, my rear driver's side window was smashed out by some punks running through the neighborhood. The cops didn't catch anyone, and our deductible is $500. Which of course we don't have since again, no job. A used window will cost about $75, but the salvage yard doesn't have any for my van. Go Figure!
This totally sucks! Not that I mind having some help from Mike, but he drives me nuts after a while. He's been home since about 2pm on Thursday. It's only Tuesday and I already need a break! On top of all that, the heating element on the dryer went out, and of course no money for that either. So I'm (again) hanging clothes to dry. All this crap has to hit at the same time, because if it hit one at a time, I'd be better able to handle it.
It's been chaos around here, getting the plants ready for the garden, doing school and keeping up the house. The kids are doing good, Gabe gives me less of a hassle on school than he used to, as long as Mike isn't getting on him about it. Caleb is doing really well with this math game i got him for the DS. It goes from 1st grade all the way through 5th, and he can do almost everything on it! Caitlin has been doing more and more reading without even realizing it. They've all been using the magnetic letters that I have up on the door. James is working hard on 4th grade work (3rd in some areas), and working hard on doing things correctly the first time so he doesn't have to re-do them later.
Adrian is doing great, talking more and more. It really irks Gabe when he repeats whatever he is saying. His favorite is to say mom over and over like Gabe does, he knows how much it bothers him and you can see a grin on his face when he does it. Little stinker! He also sleeps all the way through the night here (at home he wakes a lot), and is taking regular naps. I still can't believe the difference between him and Gabe at this age. It's sad in a way because Gabe at this age is so firmly in my mind still.
Gabe is also getting more jealous of Adrian. When he is here, Gabe has WAY more accidents, and even refuses to go potty. He frequently tries to push Adrian away from me, and likes to get his attention and put his arms around me and say "MY MOMMY" to him.

Gotta go for now, Gabe is still awake and I need to check the other kids.

Asthma, Allergies and Potty Habits

The last couple weeks have gone pretty fast. We're trying some new things with learning words and how to spell them with some magnetic letters on the front (metal) door. Caleb and Caitlin especially have been trying different combinations of letters to see how things are (and not!) spelled. Gabe is starting to get interested as well, and has told me what a LOT of those letters say and the sounds they make.
He has also started noticing the letters and numbers on his clothing. He asks what size if he's not sure and has asked for his favorite sweatshirt (the one with the 0 and the 7 on it) several times this past week. He knows all his colors and is very particular as to what he will wear. He's also still(!) wearing underwear all day and has had very few accidents. Still in pullups at night, and when he's not feeling well (like yesterday afternoon).
Caleb's asthma and reactive airway have been acting up again, I think mainly because of the change in weather and the fact that he's been spending so much more time outside. He's been wheezy a few times, and has even had a few accidents at night from getting so tired out from not breathing as good. So we are upping the nebulizer treatments for a while to help him even out.
He is now on Flovent and Proventil (inhalers), and Albuterol and Pulmicort (nebs), and Concerta and Methylin, with benadryl at night for his allergies and to help him sleep.

He and Gabe are doing well in the potty area, very few accidents and just wearing pullups for bed! Lots more stuff going on here, but have been so busy that I haven't had time to take a breath, much less post.
The rest of this week is going to be interesting, I have Adrian until his dad gets him on Saturday, and Austyn comes tomorrow to stay til Friday night! Plus of course my 4. Just slight chaos.

Differences

As I watch Adrian grow, it's bittersweet for me. He's already doing so many things that Gabe never did at that age. He's social, happy and verbal. Gabe never was at that age. He would cry, scream and cling to me. His version of verbal was whining and grunting, and the occasional half word. He was a late sitter, a late crawler, and a late walker. He didn't talk for the longest time, and when he did start, he was terribly hard to understand. Even now, he is understandable mainly to people who know him. Don't get me wrong, he's come a long way and I wouldn't trade him for anything. I guess I'm just wondering what I missed out on with having a "normal" child.
I know that "normal" is relative. James is "normal" for the most part, but has difficulty with reading and with controlling his temper, which we believe may be related to lead poisoning when he was little. Caleb has autism like Gabe, and ADHD. Caitlin has motor and speech delays and is very small for her age. She also has delays in bone growth. Normal is one thing we strive for in the world, what all kids want to be. My kids will probably never be the picture of normal. But we are trying to teach them that normal is a subjective thing, and that it doesn't matter if they aren't exactly the same as every other kid they ever meet.
That doesn't mean it's any easier when they ask why Gabe has so many problems, and why he isn't anything like them. James understands better than the rest, that Gabe may never leave home. We hope he will be able to, but we are prepared for the eventuality that he might not ever live on his own. I don't mind, and I've explained to James that Gabe's brain doesn't work the same as his. He accepts it, and every once in a while, we talk about it and I ask if he has any questions. He knows it's not fair, and he knows that Gabe is starting to understand that people don't always want to play with him, that some are making fun of him. James has tried to shield him from some of it, but sometimes it's hard. Especially when the kids are making fun of him for trying to protect Gabe.

I try sorting things out in my head, but that just depresses me more. When I write here, I can erase and re-write as many times as I need to, to make it make more sense. I can vent here, without hurting people's feelings, and I can get my feelings out without having to yell or scream or throw things. I can take a break from the "real" world and just relax.
I don't even know how I get to where I'm going when I'm writing. I just let the words fly off my fingers and onto the screen. Usually not reading or proofing till I'm done. Then I go thru and spell check and make things make more sense if I can, or just leaving it if I can't.
Somehow this post went from being about the difference in development between Gabe and Adrian, to being about how I write and how things make me feel. Reading this makes me realize just why Mike thinks I have ADHD. Enough for now, need sleep I think, to make sense of things in the morning.

More Random Thoughts and Constant Interruptions

So many special people, so little duct tape! It's been a long couple of days, and the kids are plotting against me I'm sure, and my dryer chose yesterday as the day to add to the anarchy. So now I'm hanging clothes to dry in the basement, in between bouts of pulling screaming writhing hellions off of each other. Adrian's been biting, and banging his head on the floor when he doesn't get his way. And screaming, can't forget the screaming. Caleb and James have been non-stop hitting and kicking each other every time I turn around. Caitlin's been getting mouthy and rolling her eyes at me and anyone else that makes her mad (or tries to get her to do anything!). Gabe's been wound up like and 8 day clock, and getting annoyed because Adrian has decided to copy everything he says and does.
It's taken me forever to get just this much done, and as I type, I just settled them with a movie (teenage mutant ninja turtles the movie), and I have Gabe on the couch nursing a scratch to the forehead (from James, with love or something). He and James got into a nice little knock down drag out over a small metal spatula, and he got the business end when James tried to get away. Go figure. Thankfully it's just a scratch, and didn't break the skin, cause then all hell would break loose when he figured out he was bleeding.
It's been getting warmer, and the days are longer, which I'm sure is contributing to the cabin fever going on. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be in the 50's, and today the 40's, spring is just around the corner.

In other news, I found out more lovely information about this neighborhood. We apparently have crack dealers across the street! And both families living there got busted, between them they have like 11 kids or something. But get this, they still have all the kids! Even after the drug bust! And there are still cars coming and going at all hours of the day. It's just ridiculous that they get busted and still have this going on. Makes me even more sure that we're moving as soon as our lease is up. I don't need the kids learning that crap.
Mike's talking about moving out of town, we had talked at first of moving closer to his work, but he doesn't want to stay working there. He's looking into a welding course, it's 2 yrs, and then he wants to move to Milwaukee. Works for me, because I have family up there. Lots more for the kids to do too. The only downside is the crime rate is as high if not higher.

Rambling thoughts and what ifs...

I figured by now, I'd have figured out the whole blog thing. I have blogs I read on a regular basis, like daily or weekly. I regularly comment on some. I even have a bunch that I regularly read on my blog page.
I have 1 person that follows my blog. And 1 or 2 that have actually commented on it. Not that I really mind so much, because it's more for me that I write, not others. Hubby doesn't read it, nor does any of my family, or friends, because I've chosen not to tell very many people that I blog. Hubby knows, but has so far not chosen to read my blog. Mostly because he knows how I am about things like that. Here's a little known fact: I've had poems published in a couple of anthologies. Used to write all the time. Wrote a good 2 or 3 dozen poems over the course of 2-3yrs. Stopped writing after I met hubby and got married. Just seemed at the time like there wasn't anything else to write about. I really thought about writing again, but can't seem to get back in the groove of things. It just seems like most of what I wrote before just flowed from my fingers to the paper. Now it actually takes work just to write out a few sentences, and even then they don't seem to flow or even make sense some days.
Like a colossal writers block. And it sucks. I used to love writing, it was how I spent most of my teen years. I thought writing was something special that I was good at. And then came the kids, and there was no time to write. No time to think. To dream. To anything.
I even thought for a time that I might write a book. I mean heck, if Jenny McCarthy can multi-task, so can I right? Apparently not. Can't seem to string a sentence together that doesn't make me feel like my IQ might drop 30 points just to read it.
I want to write about how having 2 boys with autism feels. How it feels to have other kids that need my attention. How my day never ends. How terrified I am that my youngest may never live on his own. But when I try, it just seems to come out sounding fake and hollow. Dull and unimaginative. Boring.
My little triumphs are nothing to the real world. Most people wouldn't be able to understand where I'm coming from, why little things excite me. Why an almost 8yo using the potty is awesome. I just can't find the words to describe what I'm seeing, feeling, and dealing with at any given time. I just don't know how to do it. I want to tell my kids' story, and let other people know that it's not all sunshine and roses. It's hard work. It makes me cry or want to most days. The hardest is seeing my son look at something that kids way younger than him are doing, and still not being able to make sense of it. Seeing other kids hurt his feelings because they don't understand why he is the way he is.
Sometimes I blame myself. If I hadn't been in denial, had gotten him evaluated earlier. If I hadn't allowed him to do any number of things, maybe things would be different. Maybe it's bad genetics, bad parenting, bad vaccines. The what ifs drive me nuts.
The hardest day was when they diagnosed him as mentally retarded. Not when they said autism. Autism I can deal with. But brain damage, mental retardation, that I'm not sure how to deal with. What to do, how to do it. I just can't wrap my mind around it. It hurts just to think of it. It makes me wonder what caused it. Was it when he fell off the bed? Or fell at the park? Or was it before that? When he had his surgery at 4 months? Thats the part that kills me inside. The whole what caused it, was it something I did or didn't do? Could I have prevented it?
I guess that's where I stand now. Getting past the what ifs and moving on to the what nows. That's all for now. I'm sure this will make more sense in the morning, or maybe never.

Gabe counted today! And Added!

Yup! For the first time EVER, not including the one time that his teacher got him to count to 3, my boy counted! Not to 3, not to 5, but to 10. We used M&M's and raisins to accomplish this magical feat. Told him if he could count them he could have them. And he counted all 10 M&M's. Then later, to make sure we could duplicate it, we did it again with raisins and mixed fruit. I'd put 2 in his hand and say "how many?" and he'd say 2, then I'd add 1, and say it again, and he'd say 3. On and on til 10. He mixes up 7 and 8. But he's trying! And he was sooooo thrilled that he did it (or maybe thrilled cause of the treats?).
Caleb wrote his first ever paragraph in his own words. He decided that he would write about teradactyls. Below is an excerpt, not spell corrected (yes he did ask how to spell some things):

"I think Birds was alive wen dinosaur was alive. A Bird is telodados (teradactyls). Telodados are big birds and thay die off. And now telodados are fostois (fossils). But because thay are istec (extinct) was a big firey rocks hit ever weir (everywhere) and Now thay are telodados fostois (teradactyl fossils) in the guon (ground)."

Not bad considering how hard he has to try to remember how to spell the words. He is in 2nd grade, doing reading and writing at a late kinder level. He's learning to capitalize and punctuate a sentence. He's also learning that sometimes you should look words up and not ask mom, cause she'll probably misspell it too (case in point: teradactyl. it looks ok to me, but blogger keeps underlining it, so I know I spelled it wrong. Just trying to get this post done before I get interrupted again!). That's all for now, gotta go chase kids!

It's Monday again!

And boy does it feel like one! This week, we are taking my sister's two kids to school part of the week. That means doing something we haven't done since the middle of December...waking up at the butt-crack of dawn! Today went pretty well, but it was really hard for me to get out of bed. Got the kids up and dressed, fed, and out the door to pick up her 2, all within an hour!
Today's been pretty laid back, just kind of getting things done little by little, no real hurry. School has been going well, but we aren't doing as much book work as I had anticipated. Mostly what we are doing is watching educational programming, and picking something each day that they want to know about and going from there. Like the hawk in the yard. We see, we look up, we learn. Seems to work well for the older 3. Gabe is hit or miss with a lot of it, it all depends on what catches his attention and keeps it for more than a few minutes.
I also did something I thought I'd never do recently. I bought 4 Fisher-Price Kid Tough DVD Players. One for Caitlin, and each of the boys (James got a regular portable dvd player instead of a kiddie one), and an extra for those times that one or the other needs to be charged. We're eagerly waiting for them (YAY for Ebay!!). The main use for them is (supposed to be lol) to watch educational, learning dvd's. We'll see about that though, lol.
The biggest problem that I'm having with teaching Gabe is that if it's geared for his actual age, he can't do it. But even if it's geared toward a pre-k level, he is still having problems attempting to do things. He seems to have a real fear of trying and failing. I think it ties to his public school experience, where nothing was really expected of him. By the time I pulled him in December, he had JUST (after 2 + yrs of public school) started to attempt writing his name, but the kicker is, even when I sat in and watched during school, they weren't making him do anything! He didn't have assignments, or homework (other than have mom or dad "help" you read for 15 min a night). They expected him to sit in his seat with a minimum of noise or redirection. They gave him the same papers as everyone sometimes (other times they gave him paper to draw or pretend to write letters on, or trace letters), but didn't expect him to actually accomplish anything. I think that he figures home is the same way, and I've been trying to impress upon him that we DO have to do work when it is school time. I need suggestions on working with him!!! Anyway, this is turning into a book, and I have kids to chase and do more school stuff with!

Today went sooooo slow

From the minute I got up this morning, I knew it was going to be one of those days. Caleb was being a spaz from the minute he got up, and of course since he was, so was Gabe. I had to keep pulling the 2 of them off of each other. Got most of the house work done, and finished the grocery shopping. Then I came home and rearranged the freezers and cabinets and shelves so everything would fit.
Went to the in-laws for dinner, and the kids got to see the deer that grandpa's gonna be cutting up. The boys thought it was cool, and Caitlin thought it was gross.
Yesterday and last night I rearranged the dining room and cleaned under everything. Moved the birds cage and cleaned it, moved the couch and the table. Freecycled the treadmill that no one uses (which I had to help carry out to the lady's van this morning).
Today I folded and put away 4 loads of laundry, did the shopping and put it away. Picked up my friend and her son (my godson), did some running with her. Came home and made lunch, and hung out. Hubby got home, and he headed over to mil's house, and I dropped her and the baby off, and headed over for dinner.
Now, I'm sitting here watching hubby and Gabe play Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer on the Wii. Makes me tired just watching them.

Woo Hoo!

Someone actually read my blog! I got my very first comment yesterday from "followthatdog" at http://www.mommyneedsalatte.com/ ! I've been reading her blog for a little while along with a ton of others. The Redneck Mommy, Her Bad Mother, Whiskey in my Sippy cup, sarcasticmom.com, Boobs Injuries and Dr Pepper....and many many more. I try to read most of them every evening when I'm putting the Gabe monster to sleep.
Thanks for the comment! Hope to get more soon!
Hopefully everyone has a great 2009.

Been AWOL for a while!

LOL, long time no blog! Been very busy, dealing with the kids' school, and the kids themselves. We're all doing fairly well, just some minor bumps in the road of life.

Gabe has developed a real phobia about school, and school has been unwilling to change his placement. He hasn't really progressed in the last few months at school, if anything he's regressed in some areas. We made the decision a few weeks ago to pull the kids from public school and homeschool them. So far, so good. Their last day was the 18th, which was their last day before winter break (the 19th was a snow day!). We're working on phonics and numbers (and alphabet lol) for Gabe, and regular curriculum and phonics for reading for Caleb, and a regular curriculum for the other 2. Caleb is behind in reading (kinder level at 2nd grade), so I think that the extra reading and phonics will do him a world of good.
James is looking forward to learning more and catching up to the grade he should be in, or at least getting closer. His reading is coming along fine, and that is what held him back in public school.
Caitlin is doing fine, with her it's more of a behavior/attitude thing. She doesnt think it's fair that the 2 younger boys are doing different work than her. Her reading is at grade level, just a little behind (public school uses a letter system: she should be at an "H" or "I" level, but is at a "G").

Gabe is learning his letters, slowly, but learning. We have hooked on pre-k, and jumpstart pre-k and a couple other jumpstart cd roms that we are using with him. He knows his colors, shapes, and some numbers. And so far these letters: A,W,R,M,U,C,D,u,x,b,g,a! Thats major for him! The public school has been trying to teach him the alphabet for 2 1/2 yrs, and thats as farther than they've gotten.

More later, trying to get Gabe to fall asleep, it's quarter after 10 and he's still going strong!