Bugging Me...

Okay, so there's a few things that are bugging me right now. One, is people who say that their only child is so hard to deal with, but then in the next breath tell me that they're trying for number 2(or 3 or whatever). If you can't handle the one you have, why are you trying to have more? Only children can do fine, they don't HAVE to have a ton of siblings to make things ok.

Two, the way that my own kids act when I tell them "one more time and you lose xyz privilege for the day" and they feel the need to keep at whatever they are being told not to do in the first place. Today for example, Caleb is making LOUD obnoxious noises, I tell him nicely to stop please several times. Then, I tell him this is his last "nice warning" and that if he continues to make those noises he will lose the love of his life (which right now is Xbox). He looked right at me, opened his mouth and smiled while he made the same noises over and over again. So obviously he has lost that privilege for the day, and possibly for tomorrow if he doesn't straighten up.
Ok, all better on that one too.

Three, people who think they have to tell me every time they see me that my child should be doing xyz because their child is, and how slow my kid must be because he's not. Mind your own business and take care of your own kid. Yes, your little booger may be able to add 3 digit numbers, but he can't operate the washer or dryer, nor can he make (or even pay attention long enough to help) dinner. My kid may not be the next Nobel Prize winner, but he's not the next little thug that's gonna get picked up for throwing bricks through windows and snatching stereos either. Yes, I'm proud to say that I'm the most over-protective mom on the block. But that means while your kid is out running the streets and catching god-knows-what from his little girlfriend, mine is at home, staying out of trouble, not taking a chance with his health or getting some girl in the family way.
My kids may be naive, but I'm proud to say that I'm hopefully not the one who's gonna be a grandma in a couple years when my 13-14-15 yo gets knocked up or gets someone else's little girl knocked up because he/she/they were not being properly supervised and taught that those activities can cause babies (or diseases that can harm or kill later down the line).
I'm not trying to play holier-than-thou games. Kids make mistakes, and it is our job to teach them the correct way of doing things. I was a teenager once, been there done that. I wasn't a perfect child, I made plenty of mistakes, but I was also taught to learn from the mistakes I made.
When Mike and I got married, we were 18. He had already graduated, and I was in my senior year of high school. When we married, we had just found out a few weeks before that I was pregnant. Was it a good decision to mess around and get pregnant? Not really, but the fact of the matter was, I wasn't going to not have the baby. I knew that once I made the decision to have sex, that it was my responsibility if I got pregnant. That's not to say that there weren't times where I wished that I wasn't pregnant. There were, plenty of times in fact. But I don't believe that it was an option for me to not have the baby. It's just the way I was raised. If I had it to do over again, would I do it the same? Probably not. I think I would have waited to be with Mike, waited to have a baby. But I wouldn't trade him or the other kids for anything.

Sorry, I'm just in a rant-y type mood today. Dealing with a lot of things right now, and very frustrated with the way things are going.

Frustrated...

You ever get so frustrated with someone who's supposed to be a friend? Ever have a "friend" who's completely clueless as to how to behave, either in public or in the privacy of you or their own home? Or maybe a fellow mom who has absolutely NO clue as to what to do/how to do it with her kid and calls all the time about how overwhelmed/stressed/ready to scream/ready to spaz that she is with her 1 child, whereas you are just fine with your 4 - plus extra kids some days!
Can you see where this post is going? Yeah, I have a "friend" like that. A "friend" that's driving me nuts. A "friend" that calls when she needs things, or a ride, or a sitter, but never returns my calls to hang out, or go to the park together with our kids, or any little things I might think to invite her to do. She does gladly come over for dinner, as they are usually short of money/groceries. She is more than happy to leave her kid with us, as she says it's "a safe place where he's always taken care of" and "he's treated like one of your own".

Don't get me wrong, I love the kid dearly, and I do treat him as one of my own. I've had him for weekends and overnights since he was born, and even for a week or more at a time when they were both working. That's not the problem, the problem here is, it's almost like I'm jealous that she can act the way she does with no consequences. It's like I'm jealous of her lack of parenting skills and lack of parenting period. Being jealous is new to me. I mean I've been jealous before, who hasn't, but not over stupid things like this. I actually envy her ability to just drop her kid with someone and trust that he'll be fine and taken care of whether she's there or not. Her ability to sleep all day if she wants to, and not worry about whether or not her kid is wreaking havoc on his room when he's in there supposed to be taking a nap or sleeping, or her room while she's sleeping.

Is it wrong of me? Probably. Am I also glad that she trusts me that much with her kid? Hell yes! I take great pride in the fact that my kids have NEVER had to worry about being fed, clothed, or left with someone just because I wanted ME time. The only time any of my kids have ever ever spent the night away from me, much less a weekend, was when I was in the hospital having a baby. Or on the rare occasions when we had them stay at grandma's for a night for our anniversary. Even when I had to work 3rd shift, they still had dad home, and I called to check on them while at work.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm mad that she's lacking in parenting skills, or mad that she gets to do what she wants and I don't.

Hubby is getting frustrated because they don't keep him on a decent sleep schedule, or feed him decent food (they mostly do microwave stuff and junk food). With him not being on a regular sleep schedule, he tends to not want to sleep at bedtime, and tries to take naps at weird times. He also has started throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way, which we also feel is due to the level of supervision (or lack thereof) at home, and the fact that he can basically do what he wants. We don't mind keeping him for weekends, but what we mind is him screaming and throwing fits at bedtime, and climbing out of the playpen and getting into things like he does at home.

Add to that the fact that Gabe is really not handling him being over well, and that Gabe acts out more and tantrums when he's over, and you can see what some of the problems are. I'm just so frustrated and annoyed right now, and am feeling so used. I just feel like all she wants me around for is to watch her kid and drive her places. I'm sure some of that is also due to me feeling quite overwhelmed as of late with Gabe and homeschooling him in particular. And all the frustration with not being able to find a place to move, and the economy and all that. But that's another post for another day.

Now, I need to go get some kids ready for bed and then finish picking up the house before I go to bed.

My Thoughts, Random.

I sat up thinking last night, about how things will be for Gabe as he gets older. And about the other kids. Will they grow up and be happy, or resentful of him. Will they understand that he's different, but that it shouldn't stop them from being around him or being happy with him.
I also worry about Mike. He's convinced that if Gabe is just disciplined more then he'll be fine and cooperate with whatever it is that he wants him to do. He just doesn't accept that Gabe is not the same as the other kids. And it's not just the whole autism thing. It's also the cognitive aspect of it. He is learning, at a slower pace, but learning none the less. He's come a long way as far as his behavior as well, but not far enough for Mike. He wants him to act his age, his chronological age, not mental age. Gabe can't do that.
The other kids resent him a lot of days, I can see it when they look at him. Kids show their feelings rather well whether they want to or not. Yes, I am more permissive with him, but I'm also trying to keep peace with 3 other kids, sometimes 4, and run a house, do school, and laundry and everything else. Just because he wants his way doesn't make him a brat. All kids want their own way, all kids have times where they throw a fit cause they didn't get something they wanted. Not just him. I'm sick of having to justify everything I do with him. I'm sick of being told it's not fair, cause dammit life isn't fair. It's not fair that I have 2 boys with autism and related challenges, and a pre-teen that tries to run the world and a drama queen. And a husband who doesn't support the way I deal with the kids. I'm tired of hearing how if HE were in charge of Gabe, Gabe would learn to behave, and that his misbehavior is all my fault.
I'm really having a hard time sticking to my guns with the whole homeschooling thing. I'm tired of the smart mouthed comments, tired of fighting, tired of all of it. I know the best place for Gabe is at home, but the easiest place is at school. I just don't know how I can keep doing this.
It's not fair that I can't have one day that everyone is on the ball and all the school and house work get done. Or that bedrooms don't stay picked up unless I stand over them and make them do it.
I love my kids, but some days I have a really hard time liking them. And that makes me feel like a horrible mom. And I love having Adrian, but I'm tired of getting crap from people about it. I'm getting told, make his mom take care of him, why do you do it without getting paid, he's not your problem, not your child and the list goes on and on. Why can't people stay out of it? Why do I need to justify my actions to others who have no business meddling in the first place?

I never said I was perfect but don't I deserve a little respect? A little positive comment once in a while would be great. I'm getting all this negative from the kids and hubby and even strangers. I mean, I could understand if I was asking people for their input on it, but I'm not.

I didn't want to turn this into a pity party or a rant about people's crappy attitudes. It's not meant to be a poor me post. Just trying to get some things off my mind. I just don't know how to keep doing this anymore. I'm tired, so tired.

More Random Thoughts and Constant Interruptions

So many special people, so little duct tape! It's been a long couple of days, and the kids are plotting against me I'm sure, and my dryer chose yesterday as the day to add to the anarchy. So now I'm hanging clothes to dry in the basement, in between bouts of pulling screaming writhing hellions off of each other. Adrian's been biting, and banging his head on the floor when he doesn't get his way. And screaming, can't forget the screaming. Caleb and James have been non-stop hitting and kicking each other every time I turn around. Caitlin's been getting mouthy and rolling her eyes at me and anyone else that makes her mad (or tries to get her to do anything!). Gabe's been wound up like and 8 day clock, and getting annoyed because Adrian has decided to copy everything he says and does.
It's taken me forever to get just this much done, and as I type, I just settled them with a movie (teenage mutant ninja turtles the movie), and I have Gabe on the couch nursing a scratch to the forehead (from James, with love or something). He and James got into a nice little knock down drag out over a small metal spatula, and he got the business end when James tried to get away. Go figure. Thankfully it's just a scratch, and didn't break the skin, cause then all hell would break loose when he figured out he was bleeding.
It's been getting warmer, and the days are longer, which I'm sure is contributing to the cabin fever going on. Tomorrow the high is supposed to be in the 50's, and today the 40's, spring is just around the corner.

In other news, I found out more lovely information about this neighborhood. We apparently have crack dealers across the street! And both families living there got busted, between them they have like 11 kids or something. But get this, they still have all the kids! Even after the drug bust! And there are still cars coming and going at all hours of the day. It's just ridiculous that they get busted and still have this going on. Makes me even more sure that we're moving as soon as our lease is up. I don't need the kids learning that crap.
Mike's talking about moving out of town, we had talked at first of moving closer to his work, but he doesn't want to stay working there. He's looking into a welding course, it's 2 yrs, and then he wants to move to Milwaukee. Works for me, because I have family up there. Lots more for the kids to do too. The only downside is the crime rate is as high if not higher.

Rambling thoughts and what ifs...

I figured by now, I'd have figured out the whole blog thing. I have blogs I read on a regular basis, like daily or weekly. I regularly comment on some. I even have a bunch that I regularly read on my blog page.
I have 1 person that follows my blog. And 1 or 2 that have actually commented on it. Not that I really mind so much, because it's more for me that I write, not others. Hubby doesn't read it, nor does any of my family, or friends, because I've chosen not to tell very many people that I blog. Hubby knows, but has so far not chosen to read my blog. Mostly because he knows how I am about things like that. Here's a little known fact: I've had poems published in a couple of anthologies. Used to write all the time. Wrote a good 2 or 3 dozen poems over the course of 2-3yrs. Stopped writing after I met hubby and got married. Just seemed at the time like there wasn't anything else to write about. I really thought about writing again, but can't seem to get back in the groove of things. It just seems like most of what I wrote before just flowed from my fingers to the paper. Now it actually takes work just to write out a few sentences, and even then they don't seem to flow or even make sense some days.
Like a colossal writers block. And it sucks. I used to love writing, it was how I spent most of my teen years. I thought writing was something special that I was good at. And then came the kids, and there was no time to write. No time to think. To dream. To anything.
I even thought for a time that I might write a book. I mean heck, if Jenny McCarthy can multi-task, so can I right? Apparently not. Can't seem to string a sentence together that doesn't make me feel like my IQ might drop 30 points just to read it.
I want to write about how having 2 boys with autism feels. How it feels to have other kids that need my attention. How my day never ends. How terrified I am that my youngest may never live on his own. But when I try, it just seems to come out sounding fake and hollow. Dull and unimaginative. Boring.
My little triumphs are nothing to the real world. Most people wouldn't be able to understand where I'm coming from, why little things excite me. Why an almost 8yo using the potty is awesome. I just can't find the words to describe what I'm seeing, feeling, and dealing with at any given time. I just don't know how to do it. I want to tell my kids' story, and let other people know that it's not all sunshine and roses. It's hard work. It makes me cry or want to most days. The hardest is seeing my son look at something that kids way younger than him are doing, and still not being able to make sense of it. Seeing other kids hurt his feelings because they don't understand why he is the way he is.
Sometimes I blame myself. If I hadn't been in denial, had gotten him evaluated earlier. If I hadn't allowed him to do any number of things, maybe things would be different. Maybe it's bad genetics, bad parenting, bad vaccines. The what ifs drive me nuts.
The hardest day was when they diagnosed him as mentally retarded. Not when they said autism. Autism I can deal with. But brain damage, mental retardation, that I'm not sure how to deal with. What to do, how to do it. I just can't wrap my mind around it. It hurts just to think of it. It makes me wonder what caused it. Was it when he fell off the bed? Or fell at the park? Or was it before that? When he had his surgery at 4 months? Thats the part that kills me inside. The whole what caused it, was it something I did or didn't do? Could I have prevented it?
I guess that's where I stand now. Getting past the what ifs and moving on to the what nows. That's all for now. I'm sure this will make more sense in the morning, or maybe never.

Going Slowly Insane

Having him home is great, especially if I need help with something or need him to get the kids to do their chores or something. But he's driving me NUTS! It's fun enough to rearrange my schedule because of him being home, because I can get things done that would otherwise have to wait for the weekend. Like we got the front room and dining room rearranged on Wednesday and Thursday, and the basement picked up and looking decent on Friday. Ordinarily I would've had to get it all done in 10-15 minute spurts, over the course of a few days to a week. And had to re-do a lot of that work due to the kids and the dog messing things up day by day. But other things, like the kids getting school done, and the little things like the work I do at the Cup on Mondays and Tuesdays, and the kids guitar lessons on Friday's. I've had to rearrange those types of things, either because he doesn't want to go, or thinks the kids should stay home and do more in the way of school work, or from Dr appts.

Of course I think I'm driving him nuts too. I've been vacuuming at least 2x a day, but when he was working, all he saw was once a day. I mop everyday, but he only saw when I mopped at night, which is only like 2x a week. We do 3-4 loads of laundry a day, but he only sees like 1 or maybe 2 when he's working. There are dozens of little things that we do everyday (when he is working) that he never sees that are driving him nuts.
The kids are going stir crazy too, wanting dad to leave them alone. He has definite opinions on how much school work they should be doing each day, and what they should be working on at any given time. But like I told him, the kids' school time is MINE. He needs to back up and leave it alone. Gabe is doing well, better than he was before. He may not do as much "book work" as the other kids, but he's learning in his own way. The others are doing well too, to a point, but they don't deal well with dad constantly up their butts as far as what they're doing and when. Caleb has a problem with reading, and doesn't do well when pushed (he will cry and get very upset to the point where he sometimes throws up), so I've backed off and used what he wants to know to get him to read more. Mike doesn't back off, he pushes and pushes, because apparently "back off and leave him alone" is NOT in his vocabulary. Hence, one of the reasons that he isn't allowed to do school with them. It's not just Caleb, he does it with all the kids. That's why it's my job and not his.
Anyway, off to find something else to do, since I've actually caught up on emails and everything else on the computer!