Monday, March 9, 2009

My Thoughts, Random.

I sat up thinking last night, about how things will be for Gabe as he gets older. And about the other kids. Will they grow up and be happy, or resentful of him. Will they understand that he's different, but that it shouldn't stop them from being around him or being happy with him.
I also worry about Mike. He's convinced that if Gabe is just disciplined more then he'll be fine and cooperate with whatever it is that he wants him to do. He just doesn't accept that Gabe is not the same as the other kids. And it's not just the whole autism thing. It's also the cognitive aspect of it. He is learning, at a slower pace, but learning none the less. He's come a long way as far as his behavior as well, but not far enough for Mike. He wants him to act his age, his chronological age, not mental age. Gabe can't do that.
The other kids resent him a lot of days, I can see it when they look at him. Kids show their feelings rather well whether they want to or not. Yes, I am more permissive with him, but I'm also trying to keep peace with 3 other kids, sometimes 4, and run a house, do school, and laundry and everything else. Just because he wants his way doesn't make him a brat. All kids want their own way, all kids have times where they throw a fit cause they didn't get something they wanted. Not just him. I'm sick of having to justify everything I do with him. I'm sick of being told it's not fair, cause dammit life isn't fair. It's not fair that I have 2 boys with autism and related challenges, and a pre-teen that tries to run the world and a drama queen. And a husband who doesn't support the way I deal with the kids. I'm tired of hearing how if HE were in charge of Gabe, Gabe would learn to behave, and that his misbehavior is all my fault.
I'm really having a hard time sticking to my guns with the whole homeschooling thing. I'm tired of the smart mouthed comments, tired of fighting, tired of all of it. I know the best place for Gabe is at home, but the easiest place is at school. I just don't know how I can keep doing this.
It's not fair that I can't have one day that everyone is on the ball and all the school and house work get done. Or that bedrooms don't stay picked up unless I stand over them and make them do it.
I love my kids, but some days I have a really hard time liking them. And that makes me feel like a horrible mom. And I love having Adrian, but I'm tired of getting crap from people about it. I'm getting told, make his mom take care of him, why do you do it without getting paid, he's not your problem, not your child and the list goes on and on. Why can't people stay out of it? Why do I need to justify my actions to others who have no business meddling in the first place?

I never said I was perfect but don't I deserve a little respect? A little positive comment once in a while would be great. I'm getting all this negative from the kids and hubby and even strangers. I mean, I could understand if I was asking people for their input on it, but I'm not.

I didn't want to turn this into a pity party or a rant about people's crappy attitudes. It's not meant to be a poor me post. Just trying to get some things off my mind. I just don't know how to keep doing this anymore. I'm tired, so tired.


ms. changes pants while driving said...

i applaud you. you're doing a hard job. a million hard jobs. it's not their place to say what you do or do not expect for caring for another child. my sister and i have take our nephews in an instant if it was possible. and we wouldn't have expected money. yeah, money would be nice. my own parking spot would be nice, my own national holiday would be nice. but you don't DO nice things to get recognized. you do them because it's the right thing to do. if people would stop judging other people and pay attention to what they're doing, the world would be a better place.

keep up the good work. you're doing a wonderful job.

AND, i think you're supposed to not like your kids once in a while. keeps them on their toes :D

ms. changes pants while driving said...

oh, and that was "we would have taken our nephews." not whatever gobbledeegook i typed there :D