Sunday, December 20, 2009

Is It Really Going To Be Christmas Already????

Can't believe it's going to be Christmas already. Just doesn't feel like that time of year yet. So much going on, so little time to do it all in. Making cookies again, chocolate chip oatmeal this time. Made a double batch so I could take some for a holiday get together. So about 6 or 7 dozen all together. Baked 1/2 to take Thursday when they had the get together and baking the other 1/2 today. It's trying to snow here, and they're saying we may get up to another inch or so.
Not really much else going on, just making sure that the kids are all feeling better and getting the house ready for Thursday when Dad and Colleen will be here. Got a ham from Mike's work for Christmas, that's their usual gift to employees along with $10 in coupons for Tyson products. Cleaning and trying to banish Mount Laundry again. Seems like every time I turn laundry over to the 12 yo, we get more and more backed up. So, I've decided that I'm going to permanently have that job myself. I do normally 3 loads a day of laundry, but that's mostly because I wash a LOT of towels and washrags and things like that. I do my laundry once or twice a week, it's pretty much 1 load, unless I've been doing a lot of baking or cleaning, then it's maybe a load and a half. Mike's clothes get done at least 2x a week, because it's mostly work clothes. The kids' laundry and Jane and Adrian's make up the balance of the loads, along with sheets and blankets at least 1x a week (or more for the bed-wetters).
Been in a really funky mood this week. I was happy to see that the scale had moved again, even if it was only another lb or so. But I know I'm getting to the point where I'm going to be slowing down in my weight loss, and that's where I usually get discouraged and think about (or do!) quitting trying to lose. My goal right now is to make it to the 30# mark. Then to the 40# mark, and then 50 and so on. In the long term, I need to lose about 135lb more. That's a LOT of weight. It's a scary number for me. The last time I weighed that much, I had just gotten pregnant with James. It was 13 yrs ago. I so want to be under 200#. I haven't been under 200 since I had James. I was 163# the day I came home from the hospital.
Sitting home with him and just eating whatever I wanted, combined with my hubby never saying a negative thing about my weight, is what let me allow myself to get this heavy. Mike's never said a thing about not being happy with me or my size. But I know in my heart that he can't be happy with it. Because I'm not happy with it. I miss being able to buy clothes that fit nicely and being happy with the way I look when I'm dressed up. We don't have a single family picture in the house. Anywhere. Because I hate the way I look in pictures. Always have since I started gaining weight. I love getting the kids' pictures done, and showing people how beautiful they are, but I always feel out of place, and in some pics, just plain nasty looking. I see all the bulges, and the extra fat everywhere, and it just makes me sick to look at it.
He's always saying I look fine, and that this outfit or that look great on me, but I don't see that when I put something on. I look for clothes that are baggy, that at least partially hide my belly and butt. I wear 1/2 to 3/4 sleeve shirts all year round because I hate the way my arms look. That's changing now though, because I'm using 5lb weights right now, starting to tone my arms a little. I hate the stretch marks though, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get them to go away.

This post kind of got away from me, so I'm going to go think about what to put in the next post...maybe I can start posting every week on weigh-day about my goals for the week and my feelings about my weight loss so far.

Until next time I guess, hoping that the scale moves in my favor tomorrow...

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